The Great Sun Protection Dilemma: A Comedy of Errors

Every summer, I find myself standing in the sunscreen aisle of the local drugstore, paralyzed by indecision. There are more SPF numbers than there are winning lottery combinations. SPF 15? SPF 30? SPF 50? I’m pretty sure I saw SPF 1000 once, which I assume is intended for vampires attempting a beach vacation. Then there’s UPF clothing, which promises to shield me from the sun while making me look like a beekeeper in witness protection.

The experts say sun damage is serious business. My dermatologist practically faints if I mention “just a quick walk outside” without protection. Reactive skin care is expensive—ask me how I know. I’ve had three skin cancers carved off my scalp and face. The scars make me look like I lost a knife fight with a very polite chef. So yes, I take sun protection seriously… even if my methods are slightly ridiculous.

The easiest solution? Avoid the sun entirely. Simple! Just live like a nocturnal raccoon. Unfortunately, society refuses to accommodate my vampire lifestyle. Outdoor events still occur before sunset. Early morning and late evening activities are best—good advice from the wise old fly tier who also apparently moonlights as my life coach. The sun between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. is an angry ball of fire, and I approach it with the respect it deserves: slathered in zinc, wearing sunglasses that make me look like a discount superhero.

Let’s talk fashion. Baseball caps? Useless. Wide-brim hats? Essential. I own at least six that have all faded to the color of despair, which probably means they’ve retired from active duty. I keep them anyway because throwing them out feels like admitting defeat. Meanwhile, UPF clothing degrades with sunlight, sweat, and washing. So eventually I’m just cosplaying as a sun-safe adventurer while secretly wearing rags that offer the UV protection of tissue paper.

And of course, there’s the nose and ears—prime real estate for the sun’s mischief. Zinc is my war paint. I apply it generously, which leaves me looking like an off-brand lifeguard who got lost on the way to the beach. But hey, I’d rather look like a decorative garden gnome than give my dermatologist another souvenir to remove.

In conclusion: The sun is both friend and foe. It gives us vitamin D and crippling anxiety. My strategy is simple: cover everything, embrace early mornings and late evenings, and accept that I will never look cool in a wide-brimmed hat. But I will keep my ears, thank you very much.

THE RULES

I’ve come to a groundbreaking conclusion about humanity, one that will surely earn me a Nobel Prize in Sociology, or at least a free latte: there are exactly two types of people in this world.

Type A: The Rule Followers. These are the proud, clipboard-carrying souls who read every instruction manual from cover to cover before so much as opening the toolbox. If IKEA made a 400-page novel about their bookshelf, they’d read it twice, annotate the margins, and probably host a book club to discuss Chapter 7: “Proper Use of the Allen Wrench.” Type A folks lay out every screw, washer, and tiny wooden dowel in neat little rows, like they’re preparing for a military inspection. They are the human embodiment of, “measure twice, cut once.”

Then there’s Type B: The Rebels. They look at instructions the way cats look at vacuum cleaners—with suspicion and mild disdain. Why would they read a manual when they have instincts? Directions are for the weak, and besides, how hard could “assemble crib” really be? These are the people who will proudly build the thing backwards, discover they have 47 leftover screws, and call it “modern art.”

Within Type B lies a very special subset: The Improvisational Engineers. These are the folks who assemble first, panic later. They muddle through like confident toddlers with a new puzzle, and when the final product wobbles like a baby giraffe on roller skates, they declare it “good enough.” If it collapses—say, hypothetically, a crib in which an actual baby had been intended to nap—they immediately blame the manufacturer. After all, it couldn’t possibly be user error. 

The world, my friends, is divided cleanly down this line. Type A versus Type B. Manuals versus mayhem. And if you’re wondering which type you are, ask yourself one simple question: Did you read this essay’s instructions first?

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

I’ve always believed that learning is a lifelong journey. The end of formal education marks the beginning of genuine learning, which can only be achieved through life experiences. Embracing new things, events, ideas, and interactions with others fosters growth. Resting on past achievements invites disaster, resistance to new ideas, and even disagreement can lead to understanding if we accept them. While we don’t have to agree with everything, accepting different viewpoints, even if they seem repugnant, is crucial for real growth.

Changing someone else’s opinion and mindset is a waste of time and can only create animosity. Toxic individuals who react rather than act proactively should be avoided, not shunned. Surprisingly, common ground exists, even if it’s thin.

Learning a new hobby or skill should be a top priority. It’s not like tying flies; it’s an opportunity for growth and exploration. Try something new! Build a fly rod, learn to braid leaders, identify local flora and fauna (including their Latin binomials), go hiking, and keep a journal documenting your experiences, sights seen, and small discoveries. Life is a vast and ever-changing journey, much like the weather. It experiences seasons of brightness and storms, offering moments of calm and periods of upheaval. Just as weather patterns shift unpredictably, life presents a diverse array of experiences that shape our existence.

The sunny days in life are moments of joy, success, and fulfillment. These are the times when everything feels aligned, and the world seems full of hope and light. We cherish these days because they remind us of the beauty that life can offer. They inspire us to dream, take risks, and embrace the opportunities that come our way.

Life, like the natural cycle of storms and rain, brings its own set of hardships and challenges. These moments of loss, disappointment, and struggle may be difficult, but they are essential for personal growth. Just as rain nourishes the earth, challenges strengthen our character. Without these storms, we would not truly appreciate the sunny days.

Life also has its seasons—spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Each season offers unique lessons. Spring encourages us to plant seeds of ambition, while summer pushes us to thrive and build. Autumn reminds us to let go and embrace change, and winter provides us with the space to pause and prepare for renewal.

Ultimately, life, like the weather, is a constant cycle of transformation. By embracing its unpredictability, we can live fully. By accepting the storms and savoring the sunshine, we can navigate our days with gratitude and resilience, knowing that each moment—bright or dark—contributes to the beauty of the entire journey. 

 

The Lost Kayak of Lower Saint Regis

As a kid, water terrified me. My dad would haul me past the breakers, insisting I float on my back like a blissful otter. I sank like a paranoid rock. Summer camp didn’t help—sure, the watermelon and bug juice were great, but compulsory swimming felt like a slow-motion nightmare. 

Fast-forward to college. I needed PE credit, and my gym instructor—cheerful in that gym teacher sort of way—announced a canoeing class. After we were paired off, I ended up with Art, a lanky kid with a blond afro. Late to the line, we were handed a sleek two-man kayak. Gliding across the lake felt amazing…until Mr. Gym shouted, “Time to swamp your boats!”

Art hissed, “Don’t swamp this thing—it can’t float!” But rules were rules. We flipped, scrambled back in, and got a barked, “DO IT AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH WATER!” The kayak went down like a stone. 

The next week, the National Guard appeared with sonar, scanning the lake like they were hunting Soviet subs. The kayak and Art both vanished—he dropped out, presumably before the bill arrived. I passed the class, though my grade never recovered. Neither did that kayak.

The next week, the National Guard showed up in a helicopter and dropped sonar into the lake, carefully probing the bottom like they were searching for a Russian submarine. This happened multiple times that summer. Probably incorporated into a training exercise. Mr. Gym gave us a passing grade, but not a great grade. We had another class with him, and he stuck with volleyball, basketball, and never mentioned that kayak. Our grade never improved, but I got the credits I needed. Poor Art dropped out after that summer, never to be seen or heard of again. I don’t know if they made him pay for the boat or if Mr. Gym had his pay garnished. He disappeared the following semester, like that, kayak never to be seen again.